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April 2008 
How to beat the Valentine's Day blues
Posted on Feb 14th, 2006
by 
Duff
Duff
Many single people feel like crap on Valentines Day. We focus on all our past "failed" relationships, beat ourselves up for being "ugly," etc. We ask ourselves leading questions like "Why are all the good (wo)men taken?" (vs. a useful question like "How can I effortlessly attract the partner of my dreams into my life NOW and enjoy the process?") Meanwhile we are missing out on a great opportunity to feel love--from the inside-out, RIGHT NOW.
No one is guaranteed love from the outside-in. In fact, we can't ever get enough love from the outside. Everyone feels that they don't get enough love--from the opposite sex, from their partner, from their parents, from their boss, etc.
The truth is, nobody can give you enough love--ever! It's utterly impossible. This is because when someone "gives you love," what actually occurs is that something happens in the environment, and then you allow yourself to feel love based on the rules you have about when you can feel love(d) and when you can't. You can learn to change your rules so that you feel loved no matter what.
Think about it--the same environmental stimulus can create many different reactions in different people and at different times. You give one person flowers and she is overjoyed; you give another flowers and she tosses them on the counter, looking disappointed. For the first, receiving flowers means "he loves me!"; for the second, "why is he always trying to buy my love?"
The good news is that you can choose to feel love(d) whenever you want. In fact, this is the only way to truly get the love you are searching for.
And the deeper truth is that you can't get love at all, because you are love. Everything that we do to get love is deeply mistaken and totally rediculous. It's like you wake up in the morning one day and think you've lost your body, so you run around looking for your body, asking people if they've seen your body, checking eBay to make sure nobody's selling it, etc. It's mad!
So how do we experience ourselves as love? Easy--focus on what you love about yourself and others. Ask yourself questions like "what do I love about [your name here]?" and picture yourself as from across the room. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and your weaknesses--make a list of them and truly forgive yourself for each one by saying "I forgive you" or "I forgive myself for..." and really mean it. Do something loving for yourself. Don't go out and pig out on crap food, but instead choose to do something that both supports you and feels good. And doing something loving for others is also one of the fastest and most effective ways to feel love, if you can come from a place of real selfless giving.
You can also work directly on the rules you have for feeling love. What are your rules? Many of us have rules like "If I'm in a long-term relationship, then I can feel love." Or "if my partner says 'I love you' three times a day, then I can feel loved." etc. These are bullshit! Where did you get these rules? Did you consciously create them for yourself after a period of intense personal and philosophical reflection? I seriously doubt it.
Examine your rules for feeling loved and change them to more empowering rules that make it easy to feel love.
No one is guaranteed love from the outside-in. In fact, we can't ever get enough love from the outside. Everyone feels that they don't get enough love--from the opposite sex, from their partner, from their parents, from their boss, etc.
The truth is, nobody can give you enough love--ever! It's utterly impossible. This is because when someone "gives you love," what actually occurs is that something happens in the environment, and then you allow yourself to feel love based on the rules you have about when you can feel love(d) and when you can't. You can learn to change your rules so that you feel loved no matter what.
Think about it--the same environmental stimulus can create many different reactions in different people and at different times. You give one person flowers and she is overjoyed; you give another flowers and she tosses them on the counter, looking disappointed. For the first, receiving flowers means "he loves me!"; for the second, "why is he always trying to buy my love?"
The good news is that you can choose to feel love(d) whenever you want. In fact, this is the only way to truly get the love you are searching for.
And the deeper truth is that you can't get love at all, because you are love. Everything that we do to get love is deeply mistaken and totally rediculous. It's like you wake up in the morning one day and think you've lost your body, so you run around looking for your body, asking people if they've seen your body, checking eBay to make sure nobody's selling it, etc. It's mad!
So how do we experience ourselves as love? Easy--focus on what you love about yourself and others. Ask yourself questions like "what do I love about [your name here]?" and picture yourself as from across the room. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and your weaknesses--make a list of them and truly forgive yourself for each one by saying "I forgive you" or "I forgive myself for..." and really mean it. Do something loving for yourself. Don't go out and pig out on crap food, but instead choose to do something that both supports you and feels good. And doing something loving for others is also one of the fastest and most effective ways to feel love, if you can come from a place of real selfless giving.
You can also work directly on the rules you have for feeling love. What are your rules? Many of us have rules like "If I'm in a long-term relationship, then I can feel love." Or "if my partner says 'I love you' three times a day, then I can feel loved." etc. These are bullshit! Where did you get these rules? Did you consciously create them for yourself after a period of intense personal and philosophical reflection? I seriously doubt it.
Examine your rules for feeling loved and change them to more empowering rules that make it easy to feel love.
Access: Public
I like this blog Duff! I created an exercise like the one you suggest above a few months back. I asked “what do I love about myself?” and it felt like I was on a blind date with me! Today I feel that there is so much love in the world. To have love for yourself means you recognize the divinity within, the possibility, the true heart and the limitless. It’s so awesome! And I go back and forth in this awareness, and create some of those rules you mention on a subconscious level. It is just so important to realize that love and reaffirm it.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
I created an exercise like the one you mention above a few months back. I asked “what do I love about myself?” It was like being on a blind date! But, loving yourself is so important, doing so is a recognition of the divinity, the possibility, and the true heart within. We get stuck in the small delusions and forget the expansiveness and beauty.
Maybe this story will interest you! Last night I had a conversation with a friend who wears a lot of black. I suggested she try incorporating some bright colors to expand herself and uplift her qi. She was into it despite her reservations. Years ago, most of my wardrobe was black and dark, and yet the world was a myriad of color even then: the green grass, the blue sky, the rainbowed flowers! And I had cut myself off from all of these colors. I didn’t resonate with them and felt drawn to the drab. The colors with which I chose to surround myself were indicitive of what I connected with in the world. I put myself in a box and said “this is me and it is also how the world is.” The point is my mentality and inward perception dictated my perspective of the outward.
“Everyone feels that they don’t get enough love–from the opposite sex, from their partner, from their parents, from their boss, etc.”
Hell, I don’t even have a boss. Duff, I really liked this entry. Thank you.
Thanks Duff!! Well said. Hope you have a lovely day.
Duff said: “If I’m in a long-term relationship, then I can feel love.’Or “if my partner says ‘I love you’ three times a day, then I can feel loved.”’etc. These are bullshit!”
Yes that is BS if you rely on it.That doesn’t mean we can’t say it though.Personally I prefer no rules at all, which i suppose is a rule, lol ;).Just go with what feels right, without judging.
I came across this quote today:
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” - Leo Buscaglia
@Jessica: I started wearing lots of orange in college because I figured “nobody can be depressed when they are wearing orange!” The funny thing is, it actually worked!
Thank You Duff for this wonderful insight :))
Jessica I also wear a lot of black
Now I will think of wearing a lot of bright colours
Flex22 I am really surprised to see that Quote by Buscaglia :))